S.A.D.?.....Not since I've discovered Minley Wood

"It's two in the morning and once more the dawning has brought out the wanting in me!" to misquote Faron Young's hit of 1971. The dilemma though is that I can't work out why exactly it is that  I am suddenly feeling so flat after what has been a very good few days. To my nearest and dearest and even the most casual observer of this recent interlude it would, I have no doubt, be a no brainer: Today's lack of exercise; drop dead tireness; stress; lousy weather; over eating later than usual; excess alcohol;  propensity to sink emotionally at this particular time of year; irregular bowel movements making me feel bloated and uncomfortable with painful wind; thoughts about a lot of friends and acquaintances going through a rough patch at the moment; and an abortive 100 mile drive round trip to Winchester. Oh and possibly, just by the way, would a little light-headedness from anemia brought about by a reduction in the platelet count in the bone marrow as a result of chemotherapy treatment for cancer have anything to do with it? Now let me just think about all that for a nano second; and there you are, problem sorted. So all I need to do is have a good sh-1-t and go back to bed - Simples! If only it were that straight forward.

"The Long and Winding Road (thro' Minley Woood, where....) You Left Me Standing Here!"

A fresh brew of green tea with lemon and ginger, a couple of dunking biscuits and we are set to review the weekend's activities which paradoxically, as will be blatantly evident, gave me every good reason to be feeling on top of the world. Surely it would make more sense to write up my blog installments whilst in that earlier frame of mind at a time other than now when feeling at a low ebb; but I'll try not to let it taint the experience.

Penny Lane, Minley Wood, Hampshire - 2nd October 2010

Click on thumbnail images to view large

All in all it was a relaxing weekend with nothing especially planned, though there were some options if feeling up to it.

At this point I would like to take the opportunity to thank Lisa and Nick Yates from Fleet who ran the Cancer Research 10k Run at Hampton Court on Sunday and included my name on their 'Running for...' vest label. I congratulate and sponsor you both for a very fine effort indeed, especially Lisa who beat her best time by 3 minutes* 

Please sponsor Lisa and Nick

After a complete rest day throughout Friday's non-stop rain, which proved most beneficial because it was not enforced by, or executed in the face of discomfort from the symptoms of the disease or its treatment, and during which Nikky treated me to the first in a series of haircuts planned to ease the transition to baldness, it started out with an early outing on Saturday to Minley Wood with Chaka to take advantage of the glorious weather.  Gary came round for a bacon sandwich at lunch time while Geraldine went on a shopping expedition, not only to enable us to offer a more substantial repast to any other guests but also to stock up on ingredients for my newly delivered juicer, destined to become the most utilised gadget in the kitchen replacing the now redundant bread maker. The main purpose of Gary's visit was a tutorial on Photoshop techniques which produced the composite photo of Alfie and Chaka in the previous posting. I was particularly impressed with the latest cloning technique which actually predicts appropriate infill from the overall content of the image - how sophisticated is that? Before dozing through an exciting Currie Cup match between the Blue Bulls and Western Province I knocked up a batch of Delia's Authentic Ragu Bolognese Sauce; a task previously postponed on the grounds of apathy.Sunday's total washout weather wise, which witnessed my aforementioned abortive attempt to join the Hampshire Fungus Recording Group's foray at Northington Grange near New Alresford, was brightened up on my return by a pleasant intermission when briefly visiting Tim and Caroline on the occasion of Caroline's 31st birthday and meeting her charming mum into the bargain. After whiling away the rest of the afternoon on the computer or dozing I prepared a luxury fish pie using cod, haddock, salmon, prawns and scallops topped off with a creamy cheese mash, washed down with a white Rioja from M&S. Dessert was a Tesco's Finest Champagne Rhubarb Yogurt and a liberal helping of Exloda, that well known ingredient used in combination chemotherapy for advanced oesophageal cancer and which apparently does just what it says on the packet!

So now you know why my mind is somewhat confused by the contradictory outcome  of this weekend's events. There's nothing like a portion of self pity to ruin your appetite so my advice is to  keep it off the menu permanently. 

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the wine and the song, like the seasons, all have gone."

Rod McKuen and Jaqcues Brel may have lost the seasons according to the words in the above song,  a dying protagonist's farewell to relatives and friends, but on a decidely joyful note I eventually rediscovered them as a celebration of life with this series of photographs taken in the same location of Minley Wood, Hampshire during 2006-7 (the bonus was the winter scene shot taken after the first significant overnight snow fall in the area for ten years and when, apart from those of the wildlife, mine and Chaka's were the only other prints in the snow very early the following morning - mission to complete the set accomplished as well as laying a few ghosts to rest!)

Summer Rain

Autumn Cathedral

Winter Palace

Spring Grove

*Sponsor Lisa and Nick

 

Another bright, bright, sun-shiny day!*

For the second day running and at the risk of being boring I have to record yet more good times. While they last I make no apologies for letting you know how lucky I feel to have such fond memories of days like these spent inspirationally in beautiful surroundings, under blue sunny skies and in such good and gracious company. Okay, gagging reflex gesticulations over and back to sleep you can all go (hmmm, just realised I'm the only one awake anyway)


So after dropping Geraldine at work I had some time to spare before meeting  up with Caroline, Fiona and Tony at Aldershot so as the sun began to burn through the mist Chaka and I headed for Eelmoor with my battered and no longer trusty Canon (subtle hint to Geraldine that credit card due to come under attack!).

Chaka enjoying the sunshine on Jubilee Hill, Eelmoor

Having not seen Fiona and Tony for some time it was with mixed emotions we met up again because Fiona's dog Rupert was absent; away having an operation on a serious leg condition, whereas Tony was accompanied by the rescue lurcher he was fostering. Caroline was just the same ol' sweetie as ever being guardian angel to which ever pack of pooches follow her treats pouch (I could say "a pastime to be highly recommended" but being an officer and a gentleman I will refrain from such bawdy comment, lol ). Anyway, having loaned Chaka to Fiona in temporary replacement of Rupert, we whiled away the hours until lunchtime engaged in all the activity, pleasantry and humour that such fellowship and scenery afforded. Most satisfying was witnessing Tony's courage in unleashing Alfie, against all his better judgement and Caroline's decidedly dubious encouragement, to be rewarded with seeing his companion enjoy his long lost freedom and, moreover, respond obediently to his recall. What a heartwarming result, and consequentially the only slippery customer we encountered today was not an Alfie but was one of the Bolete fungi specimens I discovered - Suillus luteus (Slippery Jack)

'To absent much loved pal - Rupert'

Alfie- unleashed and ready to sprint

Fiona, Caroline and Tony

At the end of the walk I bade my farewells and headed off to the Crown and Cushion to meet Gerladine's nephew, Gary, for an al fresco pie and pint to find out how he is getting along on his Web design course. (BTW, despite the scallops sliding down nicely, the last one of the king prawns in  the  Pad Thai Talay was a bridge too far .......when am I going to learn my lesson.......should have stuck to the mushy pie without chips)

Chaka stands on the side lines amazed that anybody would run as far and as fast as Alfie; as far as he's concerned energy conservation is the world's number 1 priority.
(Photo editing using advanced merge techniques within Dreamweaver and Photoshop CS5 by Gary Piper)

* Thanks to Crystal for the prophetic Youtube link and inspiration for the title.


P.S. Photos to follow when I've had chance to process the 300+ taken today ;o)

Today's Gonna Be Good Day

Today's Gonna Be Good Day ......... "Oh yes it is!"


After the previous 24 hours of increasing pain and discomfort I was beginning to over react to my perception of what the impact of all this was having on me: "Every facet of my life; my appetite, my routine, my activities, my hobbies, my pleasures, my plans, and every inch of my body, from the hair on my head to the soles of my feet, will gradually be invaded by the effects of the disease and it's treatment. How on earth am I going to cope with whatever the future may throw my way if I can't cope with the minor irritations that have presented so far?....... just as long as the emotional weaponry in the armoury stays serviceable and effective I am fighting hard to control the physical and practical aspects; but for how long and in face of what unknown horrors ahead?"


And all because of the frustration of having to cancel a foray with friends to The Vyne NT estate at Basingstoke yesterday morning. This was due to my now unblocked bowels having cleared with a vengeance several times since early that morning. The ensuing build up of painful wind throughout the day meant that I had very little respite and no chance to catch up on near complete loss of sleep from the previous night's tumour pains, which are proving to be steadily more persistent. Eventually, with overall control restored by use of several over the counter remedies, I did manage to sleep through the discomfort, waking only once briefly at midnight, until five o'clock. At which time it dawned on me that I felt rested and comfortable and if this was to be the pattern, albeit with variable degrees of severity, that good days would follow bad days then, compared to the indescribable anguish and risks to life which several friends, both real and cyber who are also suffering with various forms of cancer, are facing right now, who was I to complain and start feeling fragile!




I'll report back later.


P.S. 09.30 - Tesco home delivery service just arrived with necessary ingredients, so time to get out the Le Creuset casserole and russell up a large batch (16 portions according to the recipe) of Delia's Authentic Ragu Bolognese sauce - should be ready in four hours; just in time to meet Caroline for what looks like being a wet expedition with the dogs.


P.P.S. 20.30 - I can confirm it did indeed turn out to be a good day, though somewhat dull and grey weatherwise this afternoon, during a walk to Long Bottom Pool at Ceasar's Camp, Aldershot with the Anna (thanks for the piccie), Caroline, Jeanette and their canine charges. But when you have such great company the sunshine in their smiles banishes any gloom.

A motley mud splattered crew - Caroline, Jasper, me and Chaka (playing the green eyed monster)

Top photo taken on ridge under trees (centre horizon)

Later in the day, after collecting Geraldine from work and having the opportunity to thank her boss for making things that much easier for us through his understanding and co-operation, we had an early supper at The Forresters in Church Crookham before driving home tired but happy.

A Memorable Weekend

They say a picture paints a thousand words and as I am now too tired to type (just kidding!), I'll let the two albums from my Facebbook say it all:


Saturday's Album
Sunday's Album


It was a very special two days; and the the added bonus was that, after running 1/13th of The Windsor Half Marathon, I enjoyed a couple of pints of Timothy Taylor at The Jolly Farmer on Sunday evening, and the combinaton of the beer and the exercise has got my bowels moving again too - joy of joys! (as long as they don't overdo the favour)


Onwards and upwards.

Jet Lagged

After resting up for a day and a half to shake off the 'jet lag' from my first flight on Air Chemo, and despite the lousy weather which at its worst had prevented an earlier outing yesterday morning, I met up with my good friend Caroline and her dogs to give Chaka a long walk in Minley Wood in the afternoon. It was so good to get out in the fresh, if dank air and see all the autumn colours exemplified by a profusion of different fungi starting to appear amongst the trees. The only reminder of my plight was that my effected fingers tingled on the cold barrel of my camera lens!

Sulphur Tuft

Fly Agaric

Cauliflower Fungus - (stuffing for trout)

Now awakened again in the early hours of this morning the implications of how much the pattern of my life is having to change and just what is going to be involved to be able to enjoy such simple pleasures (with the list of 'allowables' or 'no longer desirables' ever increasing) are becoming a little overwhelming. (I'm thinking of taking shares out in Lloyds pharmacy or just moving into my local branch permanently). Now matter how much support I know there is available from family, friends (real and virtual), the MDT, the research team, my local GP and surgery nurses, The Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice home care team and even the alternative therapists and consellers at The fountain Center drop-in at St Luke's, I am starkely reminded by those, unwanted, negative thoughts of the darkest hours that the one weak link in this chain is feellng desperately stress fractured at the moment and liable to snap at any time. I realised today too that bearing the brunt of that frustration was resting very heavily on my wife's shoulders as she calmly tried to ignore my outburst of short temper and divert me into some forward planning. It's too, too soon to see my resolve to protect those close to me becoming flaky and that scares me more than what I have to face personally .


Counting my blessings is not having the same effect as counting sheep and reminding myself that I am permiited to have these thoughts doesn't make them any easier to understand or cope with.



Chaka and Bailey in full harmony for the first time in 5 years



Rant ended and wry smile resumed by recalling a couple of funny and endearing images from yesterday: One I photographed of Chaka the dog and Bailey the cat sharing one bean bag bed today for the very first time in the five years they've lived together; so with them forming a mutual support group things can't be all bad. The other, I described to Caroline and as yet imaginary while I still have my hair, of me, when walking the dogs in the future, donning one of those bright ginger wigs with tartan bonnets that the Scottish rugby supporters wear to matches. The deal being she has to wear the equivalent Irish version of green wig, beard and Leprechaun hat!


Must be approaching time for my porridge and Capecitabine (though I used to prefer it with demerara sugar)


Catch you later folks as it looks like a fine morning for an early walk and there's a 4lb rainbow trout in the fridge that requires my culinary skills to put to the good a recipe supplied by cyber buddy Crystal if we are to lunch well when Jennie and the grandchildren arrive later for a visit.


David


P.S. I have always found poetry an emotive form of communication and this one, courtesy of Sharon from MacMillan, sums it up so eloquently for me:

Unwelcome caller...


This dreaded thing called cancer knocked upon our door one day.
We tried to say that we're not home, so sorry, go away!
But cancer wouldn't listen, uninvited in it came.
We knew that from that moment on, our lives were not the same.
Cancer then got settled, and made itself at home
It decided to take a look around and have a little roam.
"Please don't," we said, to no avail , it seemed it didn't hear
Took over every part of life, everything that we held dear.
"Get out!", we said. "Please go away, we wish we'd never met"
It seemed to laugh and say to us, "you ain't seen nothing yet!"
We knew that it was here to stay, there was only one thing to do,
"If we can't get rid," we said to it, "then we have to live with you!"
So we share our lives with cancer, and we've learnt to get along
Its not a guest that we would chose, but it's taught us to be strong.
And every day that passes, we gather friends along the way
We may have cancer in our lives, but we're living for today!!!

By Sharon xx

Ahead on points after the first round

Weighing in at 106 kilos and in good time for an eight o'clock start for my first bout with that over-weight pansy in the blue corner with 'Chemo' emblazoned in pink sequins on his shorts; the other contender for the EOX heavyweight title, I climbed into the ring at St Luke's at 07.45 yesterday morning. After a trouble free journey and an almost unlimited choice of parking I was definitely looking favourite for the fight, but an early low punch rocked me back on my haunches when, after some preliminary sparring and the loss of a little blood, it was discovered that two of the ringside judges, namely 'research' and 'pharmacy' had forgotten to discuss the rules about allowing drugs in this particular contest and as a result mine were not available. The fight was postponed for a couple of hours while me and my cannula took refuge in the tranquility of the Fountain Centre charity dressing room. Unfortunately my confidence was tearfully undermined when browsing the bookshelf I spotted a tome entitled 'Dying Well'. After some counselling by one of the lovely volunteers, a rub down with a wet tissue and some refreshment in the shape of coffee and dunked ginger nuts I was back in the fray with even more determination to conquer. I guess that I had reached a watershed and that after weeks of training and building up my strength, both physically and mentally, to peak fitness the realisation of actual combat suddenly hit me: And that was the only thing I was going to let hit me for the rest of the day!


Back in my corner of the Chilworth Suite day ward, and with the gloves off, the referee, Leanne (Chemo Support Sister), noticed that my cannula was not fitted properly and quickly replaced it with another one further up my forearm before manually administering the first 'Epirubicin' jabs which reigned down for about half an hour. Undaunted I settled into a defensive stance for a two hour tirade of pumped punches of 'Oxaliplatin' which proved so lightweight that I was able to enjoy the total distraction of photo editing on my laptop with an interval when lunch was served. During the whole onslaught I felt none of the blows which the aggressor hinted might be coming my way and by 3 o'clock I was back in the safety of my corner with my lovely second, Natalie the trainee on my research team armed with a bag full of tablets and a schedule for continuing the tussle at home with some powerful anti-emetic and of course the 'X' Factor - 'Capecitabine'; apparently with a bigger ego than Simon Cowell!


So far since leaving St Lukes I have discovered the mild side effects of glancing blows in the form of a very tender left forearm up the vein where the drip was administered, which responded well to over the counter painkillers, and the tingling, needles and pins feeling in fingers (cue for a Searchers song which no doubt dates me) and mouth which rendered my celebratory pint of Bishops Finger on the way home a wee bit of a challenge owing to the susceptibility to cold and the fact that it tasted as if it had been laced with space dust.


Chaka was glad of our arrival home especially as I felt well enough to enable us take him for a long walk in Minley Wood where we discovered a cache of fresh Chanterelles which I prepared, in my favourite fashion (see Menus page) for Geraldine's supper. Unfortunately being somewhat exhausted by the day's events I only had the appetite for an Activia yogurt as basis for my tablet intake, and an early night, which, as you will realise reading the post time on this episode, was short lived. In all honesty I don't feel particularly poorly in the immediate aftermath but I suspect that may change over the next few days: Que sera,sera!


I had intended to put in a brief appearance at my daughter's 36th birthday bash just to let her know her ol' 'champ' was still in there scrapping like a good 'un, but that would have been a bridge too far and being there in spirit was sufficient.

Let Battle Commence

My treatment, by way of participating in the Real 3 clinical trial starts today in the relatively pleasant surroundings of St Luke's Cancer Centre, Guildford. Not so much 'D' day as EOX day! I am not in the mood to add a detailed update to this blog as since the relaxing weekend away the tempo has increased again and the information overload has addled my brain.


Hopefully later today, while resting after my first bout of chemotherapy,  I will get round to posting all the latest news and more photos from the New Forest (see Albums page).

Wishing "Happy Birthday" today to  my lovely daughter Jennie and so glad that, after our final preparation visit to Guildford, Geraldine and I enjoyed a celebratory lunch with you and your Mum; it meant the world to me.  It was also lovely collecting Ellen and William from school while you had your consultation with a specialist and how mightly relieved we are to know it's nothing too serious. Love from Dad XXX