The sign of a tidy mind is not, I have decided, an untidy desk........mmmmm

Whether or not it was a 'thin' theme running through my mind; thinning hair, thinning blood, thinning body, or Thin Lizzie, but as usual I woke up this morning alongside Geraldine, but what was unusual was the fact that I was thinking about another woman. 'Nothing strange about that; situation normal !' my ex-wife Valerie is probably thinking.  Hearing all the breath being sucked in around me in anticipation of a confession. Well I am sorry to disappoint all you soap opera fans but on this occasion the woman I was thinking about, and who lives in Spain, is Liz. I know Liz only through the threads of the World Wide Web, (which incidentally is also how I met Geraldine ten or so years ago), as she was, in common with many others drawn there in distress, participating on the Macmillan forums. She was dispensing her own unique brand of care and support not only to her loving husband, who had been diagnosed with Oesophageal Cancer in March 2009, but also to a number of other forum users including yours truly. Sadly we learned that Pablo lost his fight against this all conquering foe and pass away peacefully last Thursday, 7th October and has now been laid to rest; at last safe from all the suffering. Liz continues to demonstrate bravery and fortitude in her bereavement and my condolences, together with my respect, go out to her and her son and daughter at this time. So it was in my waking hours that I was wondering how she was bearing up without Pablo alongside her and thinking just how fortunate I was to be sharing another day with family and friends.


Sharing life with me is not for the faint hearted and my thoughts drifted to what little things I could do for a start that would make a big difference. The immediate notion was to tidy up my ramshackle life, my study, my tool box, my bedside cabinet (now strewn with half empty pill containers and blister packs).................where have I put the paper work for my blood tests later today?..............no doubt you are getting the picture in full 3D HD! I know that Geraldine hates it and is resigned to there being little hope of changing my ways but I have decided it's time that my filthy habits are banished and my behaviour reflected my currently tidy mind. OK don't all applaud at once, it's not going to happen over night and it's not going to be easy; but there again I don't do easy anymore!
Now it's time for the regular dose of X factor in my life, capecitabine style and then a shower and a shave, probably the last for some time, before heading towards Guildford and hopefully on to see Ian in the Cotswolds.


Where did I put the bloody paperwork?

Disappointed...........

............in myself that I let the anger and frustration vent on the loved one closest in the firing line. I suspect that, though still inexcuseable,  it's a commonplace trait under these circumstances but somehow Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word especially when the fault's not always all mine alone.

I know it's not the first time I've used this bunch of roses, and I doubt it'll be the last, but at this time of year the garden's paucity is an unavoidable handicap to capturing appropriate fresh images. In any event the message to Geraldine is still clear and sincere: "I am so sorry, I love you dearly and can't do this without you, even if it sometimes seems to you as though that is exactly what I am doing!" xxx

By the way I also owe Dave an apology for that outburst which overshadowed his supper visit on Saturday evening during his sojourn from Spain. (But fear not you won't be getting roses and kisses, though you will be expected to drop by again to help with the consumption of chowder belle-mère and the very acceptable bottle of port you brought to our doorstep)

Waking today with the sniffles after a relatively good night's sleep and with yesterday being such a low ebb not only emotionally, after the weekend's outpourings (and I include my ongoing hairloss in just such happenings), but also physically, as the anemia takes a stronger hold (no doubt there is an affective connection in there somewhere), I face this difficult week with more than just a hint of trepidation. It is another busy week taking into account my plans to visit Ian in Sherston after the appointments at St Luke's tomorrow and not forgetting that all too significant hot date with the nurses on the Chilworth Suite on Wednesday for a day of S&M for which some people would pay a king's ransome. So perhaps the best line of defence is another consecutive day's rest in preperation for the onslaught: A quick a.m.walk, Monty's photoshoot and home to bed sounds good to me! But don't forget to phone GP for blood test results and repeat prescriptions.......Oh, and while you are about it pay monies into bank, and..........bloody hell, you just can't keep a good man down can you?

PS (Posted at 23.30) Thank you all so much for your kind words in the commentary box,

epecially those from my darling wife Geraldine. I love you too XXX.  Just before I go to bed I would like to let you all  know that, despite what's on the cards in future and, moreover thanks to the timely input of some dear friends, relatives like Gary, and Julie, 'mine host' at the Crown and Cushion and her staff (the mushroom risotto for lunch today, made with the Parasols I collected whilst walking, was superb - thanks chef!),  the day got gradually brighter and brighter so that the road ahead, from my viewpoint,  is now definitely a lot sunnier! 

Caroline and Sam

Monty, 'mine boast'

Julie, 'mine host'

Minley this morning during a walk with Caroline and our canine buddies Sam and Chaka. Whoever coined the phrase "It's a dog's life!" obviously didn't know how lucky the dogs and I are to have her as a friend. (see photo above left)

Hi ho, Hi ho......... it's off to woods we go !

The above fungi photos were some of the very first of their kind I took when my interest was piqued in 2006. They show from left to right Amanita citrina (False Deathcap), Amanita muscaria (Fly Agaric) and both Sparassis crispa (Cauliflower Fungus) and Calocera viscosa (Yellow Stagshorn).

(I have not captioned them individually because I have discovered that by doing so, using this software, it eliminates the facility to click on the thumbnail images and enlarge them. The process of inserting, sizing and positioning  images on blogger is extremely and unspecifically hit and miss and irritating for me. I would appreciate if someone has some tips and guidelines to pass on or a method they have discovered of creating picture albums less chaotic than mine. It would be nigh on impossible, I would think, to change horses in mid stream and find a more suitable package to accomodate my requirements)

Passing another milestone along the bridleway to purgatory today, I realised, when showering this morning, that, along with the awareness that not only had the time on my 'five o'clock (in the morning) shadow' stopped, but also clumps of hair from my head were irritatingly washing into my mouth and slithering, hesitently and mockingly down my body to rest on the anti-skid mat on the floor of my bath; followed swiftly by tears of remorse at the start of the loss of my long admired crowning glory! With only a short time to wallow in self pity I rapidly recouped my composure, grabbed my titfer and readied myself for the day's task of leading a fungi foray for like minded enthusiasts joining me and the The Minley Mushketeers in the woodlands around the environs of Hawley Lake in northeast Hampshire. And what a splendid day it was, culminating in lunch at my local hostelry, The Crown and Cushion, where the chef prepared an extra 'dish of the day' on his menu in the succulent guise of Wild Mushroom Tagliatelle in White Wine Sauce; using the bag full of freshly picked Chanterelles we had gathered during our wanderings. For a fungiphile there is no better occasion and what is more, after a few pints in the company of friends new and old, it truly was a day to remember.

A Cep sunbathing in Penny Lane, Minley Wood, Hampshire

Long may days like these continue and I toast you, raising a glass or two of medicinally approved Guinness (so varying the selection of fluids consumed in contrast to the ever reducing choice of foodstuffs I can manage), and wish you all similar happy memories in association with your own passage along life's footpath through the rustling litter and under a canopy of autumn leaves!

Helvella elastica - White Saddle

Helvella lacunosa - Elfin Saddle

Collybia dryophila - Russet Toughshank

Chlorociboria aeruginascens - Green Elfcup

Pholiota highlandensis - Bonfire Scalycap

Laccaia amethystina - Amethyst Deceiver

I know I have skipped some fairly significant red letter days such as last Wednesday when I completed a marathon sixteen hour session which started before 07.45, the time I dropped Geraldine at Ascot Race Course before continuing on to Windsor for a breakfast coffee with my daughter. Caught up in the chaos of a typical family routine, I volunteered to do the school run with the grandchildren en route back to walk the dog around Englefield Pond. Later I met up with a group of friends at Caesar's Camp for a two hour perambulation over heath, through woods and up hill to the ancient fortress, working up an appetite for lunch at The Forresters in Church Crookham with Anna; fellow dog owner and former worldwide explorer, traveller and, of late, curvaceous bunny boarder. After a two way crossing over the territory of Velmead Common, in order to walk off a healthy repast and see Anna home, it was time to head home for forty winks prior to cooking supper before the arrival of visitors in the shape of pseudo-expats from Spain, Lyn and Graham, who helped us empty the contents of a newly opened Pinot Grigiot winebox.

"On a clear day (you can see forever ......forever more)" by The Peddlers
(or in the above image, all the way from Caesar's Camp Fortress, Hampshire to The Wembley Arch) 

There followed a couple of precious rest days, during which I not only attended my GP's surgery for a visit to the phlebotamist in order to relinquish yet more of my now thinning blood (I think from symtoms of lightheadedness the chemo is doing its worst as far as the platelet count in my bone marrow), but also received a home visit from Kay, the representative and advisor at The Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice at Farnham;  a pleasant interlude, though Geraldine still finds the connotations hard to accommodate. In Friday morning's misty sunshine I had a wonderful walk around Warren Heath with Caroline and her nutcase doggie charge, Angus, the Hungarian Vizsla and play mate of  Chaka's. That evening Geraldine and I made our way to a wonderful supper rendezvous with my daughter's former husband Duncan, (still very much a son to me as well as my friend, ally and father of my grandchildren), at what can only be described as the recently rediscovered oasis of a wayside inn at Virginia Water named the Rose and Olive Branch (the only pub of this name in the land apparently).

 
Me..... knackered?  Who are you kidding? But seriously as I look forward (only in the literal sense) with trepidation to next Wednesday's second bout of the intravenous elements of my chemotherapy regime, I am amazed that my constitution is holding up so well save for the anemic dizziness and the totally inexplicable constipation, which defies all logic in view of the amount of fresh fruits and vegetables which are passing through my newly acquired juicer (now working overtime)..........but apparently not quite so readily through me! (Thank you, Caroline for the bottle of 1000mg Vitamin C capsules and the well meaning advice, in connection with relieving my problem, about the efficacy of overdosing. And by the way they are the biggest pills yet in my ever increasing arsenal of pharmaceutical and health supplement stocks). Whilst on this banal subject I must relay to you the best quip from Duncan delivered when I was regaling the assembled company, including my wife, with thoughts of going with my kid brother to New Zealand for the Rugby World Cup next year, and couching it in terms of "it might just finish me off, but what a way to go!.......scenery, rugby, beer, parties with grass skirt glad Maori maidens etc etc.,". He quickly dissolved the bacchanalian notion by reminding me that by that time they would probably be more likely attending to mopping my dribble and wiping my bum. (Apologies to you all, and any fellow diners that may have been ear wigging, for the extreme poor taste, but it made us roar with laughter). Well as my saying goes 'If you don't laugh you'd slit your wrists!' 


C'est la vie avec le cancer !


And it just goes to show that life would be a ball if it weren't for Goliath tagging along.

The before picture taken on 10.10.10

P.S. Just noticed that the hair falling out on to a sheet of paper, on which I am making notes in front of me on the table, is not even my colouring, so Goliath can't even get that right. Stupid bastard!

"Human kindness is overflowing.........

.......And I think it's going to rain today" 


So echo the words in the Judy Collins song which reflect all the kindnesses being shown to me as I continue my wretched journey. Other lyrics of hers ask "Who knows where the time goes?" (You've probably guessed I'm quite a fan!) and I am reminded by them that the days are passing at a whirlwind pace and in such a hectic manner that I am finding it difficult to keep abreast of things. That goes for my blog too and I must make a concerted effort to bring it up to date especially as the recent news is, on the whole, pretty good.


But as another busy morning looms I promise to return later and keep you posted


Bless you all for the support, and I will wear it proudly outside my jogging pants if it helps bring a smile to your faces


love and best wishes to one and all


David [[[XXX]]]

Really Sad

Yesterday evening I received news about a friend I first crossed paths with during my days at the Royal Air Force College, Cranwell in the late 60s early 70s. We rucked together and mucked together for over 35years before I rather foolishly deserted the friendship. Don't ask me why; it's too pathetic for words. Now on learning that, having been very recently diagnosed with small cell lung cancer with metastases to the liver, he has, even with a course of chemo, only months remaining to share with his lovely wife Annette, his children and grandchildren, I cannot put into words how much I regret my inexplicable behaviour. Ian, if you are reading this, I am so, so sorry, I miss you and I want to see you to tell you man to man how gutted I am. I know you'll take heart from the loving care of your family, with love from Big Red.

To the honour of all servicemen past and present, especially those fighting futile wars at the behest of spineless, power hungry, egotistical politicians:

"Sticks and stones can break your bones; even names can hurt you But the thing that hurts the most is when a man deserts you"
(Rod McKuen from 'Soldiers Who want to be heroes')

 

S.A.D.?.....Not since I've discovered Minley Wood

"It's two in the morning and once more the dawning has brought out the wanting in me!" to misquote Faron Young's hit of 1971. The dilemma though is that I can't work out why exactly it is that  I am suddenly feeling so flat after what has been a very good few days. To my nearest and dearest and even the most casual observer of this recent interlude it would, I have no doubt, be a no brainer: Today's lack of exercise; drop dead tireness; stress; lousy weather; over eating later than usual; excess alcohol;  propensity to sink emotionally at this particular time of year; irregular bowel movements making me feel bloated and uncomfortable with painful wind; thoughts about a lot of friends and acquaintances going through a rough patch at the moment; and an abortive 100 mile drive round trip to Winchester. Oh and possibly, just by the way, would a little light-headedness from anemia brought about by a reduction in the platelet count in the bone marrow as a result of chemotherapy treatment for cancer have anything to do with it? Now let me just think about all that for a nano second; and there you are, problem sorted. So all I need to do is have a good sh-1-t and go back to bed - Simples! If only it were that straight forward.

"The Long and Winding Road (thro' Minley Woood, where....) You Left Me Standing Here!"

A fresh brew of green tea with lemon and ginger, a couple of dunking biscuits and we are set to review the weekend's activities which paradoxically, as will be blatantly evident, gave me every good reason to be feeling on top of the world. Surely it would make more sense to write up my blog installments whilst in that earlier frame of mind at a time other than now when feeling at a low ebb; but I'll try not to let it taint the experience.

Penny Lane, Minley Wood, Hampshire - 2nd October 2010

Click on thumbnail images to view large

All in all it was a relaxing weekend with nothing especially planned, though there were some options if feeling up to it.

At this point I would like to take the opportunity to thank Lisa and Nick Yates from Fleet who ran the Cancer Research 10k Run at Hampton Court on Sunday and included my name on their 'Running for...' vest label. I congratulate and sponsor you both for a very fine effort indeed, especially Lisa who beat her best time by 3 minutes* 

Please sponsor Lisa and Nick

After a complete rest day throughout Friday's non-stop rain, which proved most beneficial because it was not enforced by, or executed in the face of discomfort from the symptoms of the disease or its treatment, and during which Nikky treated me to the first in a series of haircuts planned to ease the transition to baldness, it started out with an early outing on Saturday to Minley Wood with Chaka to take advantage of the glorious weather.  Gary came round for a bacon sandwich at lunch time while Geraldine went on a shopping expedition, not only to enable us to offer a more substantial repast to any other guests but also to stock up on ingredients for my newly delivered juicer, destined to become the most utilised gadget in the kitchen replacing the now redundant bread maker. The main purpose of Gary's visit was a tutorial on Photoshop techniques which produced the composite photo of Alfie and Chaka in the previous posting. I was particularly impressed with the latest cloning technique which actually predicts appropriate infill from the overall content of the image - how sophisticated is that? Before dozing through an exciting Currie Cup match between the Blue Bulls and Western Province I knocked up a batch of Delia's Authentic Ragu Bolognese Sauce; a task previously postponed on the grounds of apathy.Sunday's total washout weather wise, which witnessed my aforementioned abortive attempt to join the Hampshire Fungus Recording Group's foray at Northington Grange near New Alresford, was brightened up on my return by a pleasant intermission when briefly visiting Tim and Caroline on the occasion of Caroline's 31st birthday and meeting her charming mum into the bargain. After whiling away the rest of the afternoon on the computer or dozing I prepared a luxury fish pie using cod, haddock, salmon, prawns and scallops topped off with a creamy cheese mash, washed down with a white Rioja from M&S. Dessert was a Tesco's Finest Champagne Rhubarb Yogurt and a liberal helping of Exloda, that well known ingredient used in combination chemotherapy for advanced oesophageal cancer and which apparently does just what it says on the packet!

So now you know why my mind is somewhat confused by the contradictory outcome  of this weekend's events. There's nothing like a portion of self pity to ruin your appetite so my advice is to  keep it off the menu permanently. 

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the wine and the song, like the seasons, all have gone."

Rod McKuen and Jaqcues Brel may have lost the seasons according to the words in the above song,  a dying protagonist's farewell to relatives and friends, but on a decidely joyful note I eventually rediscovered them as a celebration of life with this series of photographs taken in the same location of Minley Wood, Hampshire during 2006-7 (the bonus was the winter scene shot taken after the first significant overnight snow fall in the area for ten years and when, apart from those of the wildlife, mine and Chaka's were the only other prints in the snow very early the following morning - mission to complete the set accomplished as well as laying a few ghosts to rest!)

Summer Rain

Autumn Cathedral

Winter Palace

Spring Grove

*Sponsor Lisa and Nick

 

Another bright, bright, sun-shiny day!*

For the second day running and at the risk of being boring I have to record yet more good times. While they last I make no apologies for letting you know how lucky I feel to have such fond memories of days like these spent inspirationally in beautiful surroundings, under blue sunny skies and in such good and gracious company. Okay, gagging reflex gesticulations over and back to sleep you can all go (hmmm, just realised I'm the only one awake anyway)


So after dropping Geraldine at work I had some time to spare before meeting  up with Caroline, Fiona and Tony at Aldershot so as the sun began to burn through the mist Chaka and I headed for Eelmoor with my battered and no longer trusty Canon (subtle hint to Geraldine that credit card due to come under attack!).

Chaka enjoying the sunshine on Jubilee Hill, Eelmoor

Having not seen Fiona and Tony for some time it was with mixed emotions we met up again because Fiona's dog Rupert was absent; away having an operation on a serious leg condition, whereas Tony was accompanied by the rescue lurcher he was fostering. Caroline was just the same ol' sweetie as ever being guardian angel to which ever pack of pooches follow her treats pouch (I could say "a pastime to be highly recommended" but being an officer and a gentleman I will refrain from such bawdy comment, lol ). Anyway, having loaned Chaka to Fiona in temporary replacement of Rupert, we whiled away the hours until lunchtime engaged in all the activity, pleasantry and humour that such fellowship and scenery afforded. Most satisfying was witnessing Tony's courage in unleashing Alfie, against all his better judgement and Caroline's decidedly dubious encouragement, to be rewarded with seeing his companion enjoy his long lost freedom and, moreover, respond obediently to his recall. What a heartwarming result, and consequentially the only slippery customer we encountered today was not an Alfie but was one of the Bolete fungi specimens I discovered - Suillus luteus (Slippery Jack)

'To absent much loved pal - Rupert'

Alfie- unleashed and ready to sprint

Fiona, Caroline and Tony

At the end of the walk I bade my farewells and headed off to the Crown and Cushion to meet Gerladine's nephew, Gary, for an al fresco pie and pint to find out how he is getting along on his Web design course. (BTW, despite the scallops sliding down nicely, the last one of the king prawns in  the  Pad Thai Talay was a bridge too far .......when am I going to learn my lesson.......should have stuck to the mushy pie without chips)

Chaka stands on the side lines amazed that anybody would run as far and as fast as Alfie; as far as he's concerned energy conservation is the world's number 1 priority.
(Photo editing using advanced merge techniques within Dreamweaver and Photoshop CS5 by Gary Piper)

* Thanks to Crystal for the prophetic Youtube link and inspiration for the title.


P.S. Photos to follow when I've had chance to process the 300+ taken today ;o)