Jokes

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep

  and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he

  realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

  After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his

  two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

  One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful

  cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for

  romance.

  As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better

  to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm

  around it.

  But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely

  until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

  After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets

  together, but there was no more cuddling.

  A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another

  shipwreck. The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

  That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.

  It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and

  gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

  Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

  He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in

  and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

  Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she

  could do for him.

  He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to
stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on
her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her
passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while
basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.


Joke from Tash:

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

 She said
'Oh, my .. , it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

Thanks to my s-i-l Cheryl for this one:

An Irish bloke takes his mates back to see his new apartment, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks what what is the big brass Gong hanging on the wall for?

 

Paddy says it's my speaking clock.

 

 

How does it work?

 

 

I'll show you as he hits it full pelt with a claw hammer.

 

 

A voice from next door yells "For fxxk sake you Irish Bollox, its 20 to 3 in the morning"!!

Next one is courtesy of my lovely ex, Valerie

BACON TREE Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? " "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees Ees… Ees… Ees…… Ees a ham bush...." SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn't help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you  - I know you did! I would now like to welcome on stage the irrepressible Carole Jones : THE SCOTTISH SINNER     There was a Scottish painter named S Hamish Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.     As it happened, he  got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the  job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well,  Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.     Hamish was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,  so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh  God, forgive me; what should I  do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. (you're  going to love this)   "Repaint! Repaint!  And thin no more!" This one could only come from fellow dog walker, owner of Misty and reknown potty mouth Jet:  Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? " The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? " " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " why are you here ? " The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." " So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired. " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked,   " Why are you here ?" " I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I  see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?" The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! " And now one of many from the greatest scouser in the land, John Singleton: A chicken and an egg are in bed, chicken has his head on the pillow smoking a cig. Egg rolls over, really pished off and said "I guess we answered that question!"...

A batch of great one-liners from Sally Tyler:

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were..... The Hovis Witnesses. Boom, boom!!!