One Month On

"It's four in the morning and once more the dawning
Just woke up the wanting in me"


And after only a month living with the C word what I want more than anything is to be free of its grip on my life. I am fully aware that so far my short journey down this long and winding road has been relatively easy. Apart from the initial feeling of devastation when told the gruesome news I have only had to deal with the routine inconveniences of  several outpatient's appointments for those diagnostic procedures carried out so far; and none of those caused me any undue distress (apart from laying stock still for 40 minutes in a CT scanner with an arthritic shoulder whingeing in my ear). Even the degree of dysphagia is managable with no more than a couple of paracetamol to ease the discomfort when aggrevated by swallowing or when discordantly influenced by the power of the music of the night. Now half way through this bank holiday weekend, with life carrying on much as normal; enjoying long walks with my dog; collecting edible mushrooms on fungi forays;

Chaka, my 5 year old Ridgeback 

Ceps for a Lasagne

watching the tri-nations rugby (the Boks finally won a match against the Wallabies) and wineing and dining with friends and family either out or at home, especially when I am the one showing off my culinary skills, my thoughts return once more to what lays ahead.


The emotional turmoil is not quite such plain sailing and I owe so much to those around me for the support and help in keeping a balance in my head and in my understanding*.


Whilst currently waiting for the outcome of last Thursday's PET scan, which I presume will determine whether or not my condition is operable, I begin to wonder at just what stage it will kick in that my body has beem invaded by billions of malignant organisms hell bent on prematurely ending this normal life in a painful and indignant manner. The accounts of fellow sufferers, survivors and their carers bring stark reminders that everybody's experience of the highs and lows vary greatly and with vastly differing extremes. When my battle does begin in earnest I will have gained enormous succour by learning from the trials and tribulations of their individual journeys and the demonstrations of incredible courage in the face of heart-rending adversity. The advice they've given and the attitude they've displayed has been and will continue to be  invaluable to me in dealing with whatever lays in wait and I take this opportunity to thank them all and wish them well.


Signing off with one particular thought in mind thanks to Carole "....it's about just not accepting that those little blighters will end my life. They can and will change my life but I'm not going to accept that they'll kill me." And with that I am not entirely free from the grip but it's a damned sight weaker!




*read new anecdote 'What a load of crap!'