Sit (uation) Rep (ort)

Yes folks it's that dreaded hour: 04.00 when spirits are at their lowest ebb, but I must tell you how I am feeling.

"I would rather have a rose from a garden of a friend
than to have the choicest flowers when my stay on earth must end.

I would rather have one single word of kindness said to me
than flattery around my grave when life has ceased to be.

So bring to me one flower, be it pink or white or red.

For I would rather have one bloom today
than a truck load when I am dead!"

Time is flying by so fast and it's hard to believe that my 3 weekly cycle of chemo is due again on Wednesday; just as life was panning out in the now familiar pattern of being on an even keel following a couple of weeks recuperation. We have decided to visit friends in Torrevieja, Spain for a few days after the infusion as being in the winter sunshine whilst suffering is better than hanging around the UK waiting for the snow to arrive!

I have a CT scan to look forward to on 8th December but I reckon the measurements of the relevant tumours are at least going to reflect how efficacious this course of chemo on the Real 3 trial is proving to be. I am feeling fitter, save for a few irritating side effects, than I have done in many a year and, allowing for the euphoria of a chemically induced high, I have plans, subject to my daughters guidance as a professional personal trainer, to complete a Sprint Triathlon event (a shortened version of the full course) at Dorney next year. So start saving your pennies in aid of sponsorship for The Fountain Centre at St Luke's, Guildford as I will be coming round shaking a collection bucket in  the form of an online donation if successful.  I have the added pleasure of attending the official opening of the refurbished Fountain Suite and sharing a sherry (me with a schooner rather than a pint...heaven forbid) and possibly a few words with Annabel Croft, the patron of the charity: It's a tough call guys, but I guess if I am forced to drink sherry, then a glimpse of her luscious locks and lovely long legs will be just reward! 

It's not all plain sailing at the moment as first and foremost Geraldine seems to be finding it harder and harder to deal with the situation and I am somewhat at loss to know what to do for the best: It would appear that my determination to stay positive and fully involved with life as it presents itself on a day to day basis is causing her concern, insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. Though unable to express her feelings openly, in fear, I suspect, of dampening my endeavours, it is plainly obvious that she is finding this journey even more arduous than I am: Something I feared from the outset and hoped, in avoiding such circumstances, to prioritise as a main objective. The curse is that if I don't feed off the support that my involvement outside the home is providing then I might succumb to feelings of defeat. Finding the balance to give Geraldine the same attention and support that she so richly deserves and not taking too much for granted, is proving difficult whilst her coping technique is to bury her head in the sand and make herself miserable and fatigued trying to hold down a full time, stressful job as well as having no respite at home. I try and reward all her efforts on my behalf  as best as I know how but sadly it seems I am falling way short of the target, especially when my frustration gets the better of me and she is innocently in the direct line of fire. As she so succinctly points out; there is no 'user manual' available to us, and all my encouragement to seek help from the various, willing and dispassionate array of outside resources falls on stony ground as far as I know.

The other error looming large in my mind, contrary to all the lessons learned about not focusing on second guessing the route ahead, is centered on the outcome of the forthcoming scan results and the very remote possibility that the equation has inherited the 'Op' factor: I am conscious of the number of cases that when all was seemingly stable, as I feel it is in my circumstances, that surgery has in fact opened up a whole can of worms not anticipated by those involved. I do trust my care team implicitly and must be guided by their knowledge and experience, but when it comes down to it cancer still bears too many unknowns for my liking especially when Goliath and his too numerous minions have been quietly and unnervingly, away for some time at an Al Qaeda training camp preparing for another onslaught.

Finally the pain between my shoulder blades, though not confirmed as associated with the spinal metastases in the 7th vertebra, is now giving cause for concern: Woke up this morning feeling like I had been in ruck against the All Blacks. Not, I hasten to add, for the first time in a long history of similar symptoms.

'Nuff said!

To reiterate I can't believe how quickly these cycles of 3 weeks are flying past. After this next (4th) bout of chemo later today I am booked in for a CT scan (8th Dec) to determine the progress and what effect the trial is having on the various tumours.


The gist from discussion at clinic yesterday with Dr Masoor and Sarah Oakes was that it is still highly unlikely that an 'Op' will ever be in the offing. There are several options available with the objective of giving me as much time as possible with the optimum quality of life: They will not necessarily keep me on Real 3 to the bitter end (6 months max/8 cycles) if the balance between effectiveness/data collection and the ever cumulative severity of the side effects is not favourable. All being well they may just monitor me until the inevitable resurgence kicks in sometime in the future or they may even decide that there are other new trials (namely at the Royal Marsden) for which I may meet the criteria.

No doubt all will be revealed at my forthcoming appointment with my oncologist running this trial around the time of my pre- Christmas infusion

"Deck the halls with tubes and trolley,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la."

Still feeling incredibly fit and out and about with various fungi friends and dog walkers, whose support is invaluable, and having some rare successes, but way, way behind with the updating, reporting, photo editing and contacting cyber mates at MacMillan and on Cancer Research UK forum. My apologies to one and all.

Love and light to one and all

David [[[XXX]]]


PS I received a lovely home grown bloom from Rania my friend in Athens for which I am eternally grateful:

The Red Rose of Athens