Jet Lagged

After resting up for a day and a half to shake off the 'jet lag' from my first flight on Air Chemo, and despite the lousy weather which at its worst had prevented an earlier outing yesterday morning, I met up with my good friend Caroline and her dogs to give Chaka a long walk in Minley Wood in the afternoon. It was so good to get out in the fresh, if dank air and see all the autumn colours exemplified by a profusion of different fungi starting to appear amongst the trees. The only reminder of my plight was that my effected fingers tingled on the cold barrel of my camera lens!

Sulphur Tuft

Fly Agaric

Cauliflower Fungus - (stuffing for trout)

Now awakened again in the early hours of this morning the implications of how much the pattern of my life is having to change and just what is going to be involved to be able to enjoy such simple pleasures (with the list of 'allowables' or 'no longer desirables' ever increasing) are becoming a little overwhelming. (I'm thinking of taking shares out in Lloyds pharmacy or just moving into my local branch permanently). Now matter how much support I know there is available from family, friends (real and virtual), the MDT, the research team, my local GP and surgery nurses, The Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice home care team and even the alternative therapists and consellers at The fountain Center drop-in at St Luke's, I am starkely reminded by those, unwanted, negative thoughts of the darkest hours that the one weak link in this chain is feellng desperately stress fractured at the moment and liable to snap at any time. I realised today too that bearing the brunt of that frustration was resting very heavily on my wife's shoulders as she calmly tried to ignore my outburst of short temper and divert me into some forward planning. It's too, too soon to see my resolve to protect those close to me becoming flaky and that scares me more than what I have to face personally .


Counting my blessings is not having the same effect as counting sheep and reminding myself that I am permiited to have these thoughts doesn't make them any easier to understand or cope with.



Chaka and Bailey in full harmony for the first time in 5 years



Rant ended and wry smile resumed by recalling a couple of funny and endearing images from yesterday: One I photographed of Chaka the dog and Bailey the cat sharing one bean bag bed today for the very first time in the five years they've lived together; so with them forming a mutual support group things can't be all bad. The other, I described to Caroline and as yet imaginary while I still have my hair, of me, when walking the dogs in the future, donning one of those bright ginger wigs with tartan bonnets that the Scottish rugby supporters wear to matches. The deal being she has to wear the equivalent Irish version of green wig, beard and Leprechaun hat!


Must be approaching time for my porridge and Capecitabine (though I used to prefer it with demerara sugar)


Catch you later folks as it looks like a fine morning for an early walk and there's a 4lb rainbow trout in the fridge that requires my culinary skills to put to the good a recipe supplied by cyber buddy Crystal if we are to lunch well when Jennie and the grandchildren arrive later for a visit.


David


P.S. I have always found poetry an emotive form of communication and this one, courtesy of Sharon from MacMillan, sums it up so eloquently for me:

Unwelcome caller...


This dreaded thing called cancer knocked upon our door one day.
We tried to say that we're not home, so sorry, go away!
But cancer wouldn't listen, uninvited in it came.
We knew that from that moment on, our lives were not the same.
Cancer then got settled, and made itself at home
It decided to take a look around and have a little roam.
"Please don't," we said, to no avail , it seemed it didn't hear
Took over every part of life, everything that we held dear.
"Get out!", we said. "Please go away, we wish we'd never met"
It seemed to laugh and say to us, "you ain't seen nothing yet!"
We knew that it was here to stay, there was only one thing to do,
"If we can't get rid," we said to it, "then we have to live with you!"
So we share our lives with cancer, and we've learnt to get along
Its not a guest that we would chose, but it's taught us to be strong.
And every day that passes, we gather friends along the way
We may have cancer in our lives, but we're living for today!!!

By Sharon xx